Half

6th April - 03:00

 Something along the lines of a new me. What? No, not new. Just me. Me? Let me try to explain the thoughts that belong to "me" as if i have any fucking idea who that is.

I am isolating myself and growing lonelier with each passing day. It feels like it's a bad thing but i am yet to make up my mind about it. However the dread and the ever-looming impending sense of doom still lingers around. I feel harmonic. As if i am more than one song, trying to come out. All of them crashing towards my lips yet none comes out. A stasis, if you will. Yes, that is rather fitting. I am where i have always been my entire life. I exist in a state of stasis, surrounded by crafted sorrow and melancholy. Well, it's either that or the impending sense of doom is the one making me feel this way. Then again, here i am, spilling my thoughts and writing. I cannot possibly complain. I had forgotten being myself. I had never even realized that. Why? Did i unwillingly suppress this realization because i liked what i had or did i do it because i didn't like being myself? If it is the latter, i can't begin to explain how wrong i was. Sure, i still feel lost from time to time. Sure, i feel lonely on nights like these. I have felt this way for such a long time, long before another even came around. Somehow, this feels different. I have seen what no boundaries can do to people. I have seen what losing one's self can do to the mind. Here i am, with a dreaded smile upon my face, feeling. What more could i wish for, other than the joy of being alive? Sometimes i do find the bright light in melancholy. It's alright. I'm alright.

7th April - 03:15

I used to think vulnerability was the key to certain things, certain connections. I was halfway right. By all means, vulnerability is a necessity when it comes to true connections yes but in order to sustain them, absolute boundaries must be set. Rambling. That's what it is. Incoherent thoughts bumping into each other on a road i know not where it goes. 

They know everything and all,
Wet sidewalks of this city,
A cry for help or a leap of faith,
Matters not with all the bridges burned.

All things aside, i am relieved. I feel peaceful. There are no loose ends remaining. It is done. I am free. That is one crisis figured out. Now, onto the more pressing one. It gets tiring. Not having a single silent, calm month. Something always comes up. I am exhausted. But, as i've said to everyone around me and myself so many times, step by step. Some days, everything rushes over you and you feel like giving up. If and when you feel that, go to sleep. Wake up to a new day. A tired mind is a lot more open to negativity then a well-rested one. I wish i would write fictional things and not just spill my feelings and thoughts every time i write. Then again, i haven't had an eventless time for a very long time. I haven't had time to look inside and explore for such a long time. That just might be the reason why i always spill my feelings and thoughts here. In time, we'll see. I'm done feeling burnt out. I'm done feeling sorry. I'm done trying to fix non-existent issues. Tomorrow's a new day.