Drifting

 7-January

 A small child bearing witness to all these thoughts swirling inside. He reaches out for freedom, for relief. Yet it never comes. The more you have it, the easier it gets for it to lose its value. Even begging doesn't help. So, you find yourself downing your third beer of the hour, wishing for an escape. Right then and there, it comes. An idea. A thought. It may not be pure but, a desire. You look back to this exact day four years back. You see yourself, cramped in a small room, watching other people live and feel and with every sip of those beers you wish that it was you who were feeling them, or anything for that matter.

Then, you had everything you ever wished for. Even the simplest of your desires came to be. Sure, you felt happy and fulfilled, for a while. But everything you've sacrificed for it kept coming up. That constant sadness that you so deeply enjoy, even though you keep telling people that you don't want to be sad. No, you like being sad. You like feeling like a piece of shit that was dug up and buried again with piss on top. Why? Well, for a good cause of course. No novel, poem or short story ever taught you how to write good things. All you've ever known was sadness. So you wrote sadness whenever you felt sad and as we've just clarified you always felt sad. Some were self-made, sure, others were brought upon you by unwilling participants. Nevertheless, you took them. Gave them a home, made those feelings into stories. You made people feel the heartbreak of a betrayal even though you were never betrayed before. You made people understand what it was like to take a life, even though you've never taken one before. Sure, a piece of you always thought all the change might be because of growing up and losing the intensity of feelings of a teenager's mind. Yeah, sure, it makes perfect sense. But you still haven't been able to accept it. How could you accept it? Knowing that the greatest thing you could ever do was just in you for a couple of years. Who could? I know you're trying to get it back and you're mostly lost in trying to live but do try a bit harder. For you. For me. For us. 

18-January - Subtlety

All this fear, anguish and hatred,
Merely meant to break you,
Don it around you, like an armor,
And make sure that they hear you.

For when the red light shines,
Some will tell you to give up,
Make that light your fire,
And burn those who defy.

Through the iron and blood,
You shall awake victorious,
Gaze upon your fierce power,
In time, it will turn on you.

Within the broken skulls,
You shall hear me scream,
Pierced through your armor,
You shall heed my spear.

The moon will fade, as it always has,
But the sun will never shine on you,
In the light, you close your eyes, so,
Tell me, do you dream of me?

26-January

Was it winter's own way of saying hello or is this an intricate first relapse of known yet hidden tradegies? Almost a week from now a year ago, a heart would be shattered to many pieces that would take oh so much time to put back together. And at the end of the week that all the pieces came together, couple of sentences cause a cascade of breakdowns that lead one through a sickening feeling and fill one with doubts. Here's the fun part though, not the actual thing that happened nor the sentences that were formed had any suspicious things in them. This is all one. An involuntary choice to doubt, a choice to feel bad, a choice to nail one down on one's seat and put a powerful terror deep in one's bones. A choice nonetheless. Tomorrow, the sun will rise and the world shall glimmer once again. One can hope.

30-January

Crawl through this disguise and you shall find that all your endeavours were for naught. For there is nothing left inside. All those your eyes dare touch is everything but good. Truth shall bring you nothing but pain. I shall watch your tears dribble down your cheeks and yet feel nothing. Only then will you understand. Only then, will you truly crawl through and discover the bittersweet taste of the abyss that i am.

3-February

It leaves us powerless, the secrets behind closed doors. The whispers, the evil desires. I've seen it. I've seen the sun walk upon the face of the earth and never look back again. Why? Why would the sun leave it's place in the endless abyss it calls home and come here, to us? What is it that makes us so incomprehensibly special that the closest star to us visits us daily? Perhaps it's one of god's angels, coming to check on us. Or a guard, looking to see if we've been naughty. This terrifies me if i'm being honest. I have no wish to answer to a star. A star that gives us life. A star that allows every single thing that i've ever witnessed or wanted or thought of to just simply be. I cannot fathom this feeling inside me. Or rather the lack of it. It's supposed to be good, i'm supposed to be feeling good. Yet i don't. Something is missing. Is it the people in my life? Is it me? I cannot pull my thoughts together to come up with an honest answer. Maybe i'm just afraid of the answer. Afraid that it might break me. Afraid that it would make me weak once more. I try to push the darkness out of my life by simply being with the one i love. Just, filling my time. Almost never having time to have a deep state of thinking. Maybe the fact that i do not think so much anymore is the problem itself. I miss the darkness. The darkness that i've known almost all my life. The darkness that i'm used to.

The power which you seek, resides within thee,

Inner strength is naught but a sugar coated lie.

Peace fades away and the instincts remain.

Whatever will we do but simply scream?

Take good care of the lost souls that reside,

Within the icy walls you call your mind,

Shame on you, shame on us, call it fate,

Whatever it may be, it is inside thee.

22-February

Things end. I end. This ends. The constant struggle to keep something going merely takes away time from life. And knowing that one thing that would become something amazing has ended due to acknowledged mistakes, just shatters this soul i've been trying to keep together. I cannot think. For if i do, the walls will come crushing down. And the walls did come crushing down. I can't even feel my face. I can't recognize myself. I am lost deep within the shattered stones that lie underneath the sea. This constant desire is wearing me out. I cannot feed it, i cannot end it. It is ending me. I am dying by my own hand. And for what? For what? Nothing. I have no control over my actions, over my words. Because the person i am has taken control over the person i think i am. And now, there is nothing between me and me. I used to look up at the mirror and see sadness in my eyes. Now, all i see is fury and exhaustion.

Dreams were told. Dreams of contempt. Dreams of pleasure. The desire to make them real was enough to provide the strength required for the road. But here's the thing people will never tell you: Strength fades. Physical or emotional, doesn't matter, strength fades. Sometimes all it takes is just one thought of destruction and ruin. Sometimes it stands still and shields the dreams from those who seek to destroy it. When you're on one side or the other, it's great. Fight the good fight and maybe you'll prevail. But being on both sides. Reaching out to those dreams and working to destroy them, is just tiring. It abolishes all self-respect, self-esteem and hope. I've asked, i've searched. Never got the answer "yes, you can stay." These things, these dreams, you know, they pass. Sometimes it's life that kills the dreams. Sometimes it's you. And sometimes it's someone who you'd beg to make them listen.

Destruction and ruin has nothing but darkness within. So choose. Live in the light with your cape sucking you down, or live in the darkness, where nothing but destruction can ever reach.

16-March

A statement for those who follow behind. 

 I could do no more than just wish to be a good man. For I have not always been good. Nor have I been completely bad. A balance was the thing that soared through me. I’ve forgotten certain memories and traumas. I’ve let go of many a people and many has let go of me. Friends I haven’t talked to in ages. Friends that doesn’t even remember who I was and friends that only remember the person I was. I used to dream. Dream that I’d somehow become a man who has done great things. A man who, against all odds, wrote his name in the desolate pages of history. I now realize that there are others.

28-March - Dreams of Fire

 It took Icarus 7 minutes of serene freedom to forget his father's warning. Weighed down by a world in chains, he was filled with a lust for freedom. In the end, he did fall and drown in the deep blue Aegea. It never occured to anyone that the escape from the chains of the world may as well mean death. Icarus sought after the one thing he truly desired. A way to escape the sorrows of living and the unwelcoming mountains of Crete. He looked upon his father, worn down by the Gods and the unrelenting passage of time. He knew they had to leave and he believed in his father's craftsmanship and wisdom to lead them across the land, the sea and the air. "How much worse can it truly be, to risk death in the face of eternal doom?" he thought. As he don' the wax and feather wings made by Daedalus, Icarus saw in his father's eyes a glimpse of melancholy. "What is it father, that is shadowing the ever shining light in your eyes?" he said. Daedalus looked upon the face of his child, smiled and softly spoke. "High is the way, but all eyes are upon the ground. You were the light and the way they'll only read about. I only pray heaven knows when to lift you out. Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough, we're going home. But be wary, oh child of mine and heed the truth, for the fogs about the earth would weigh you down and the blaze from the sun will melt your feathers apart." In that moment, Icarus knew that destiny was never meant for himself. Destiny was a mere warning for the ones that are yet to come. Icarus looked upon the cliffs and took the leap of faith. Faith in himself and his father. Icarus took flight. His father alongside him, they have seen the world beneath them as the Gods have many a times before. Icarus was filled with an unmatched desire, for more. Icarus flew higher and went above the clouds. Icarus gazed upon the vast void that envelops the world and the yellow star shone down on him. Believing in his elderly father's impeccable craftsmanship however, was his mistake. As was his faith and his desires. Gods struck down upon Icarus and the heat from the sun chipped away at his whimpering wings. Yes, Icarus fell but Icarus flew. Icarus gazed upon the world like no one has ever done before or since. A simple price to pay for eternal bliss. Icarus dived under the cold Aegean sea and watched the light fade away ever so slowly. As water started to fill his lungs, Icarus felt bliss, disappointment, sorrow and freedom. Icarus felt alive.

2-April

Sweet, isn’t it? 

This bitter scent it leaves, 

Hurdling over our lives, 

However short it seems. 

Bigger than me, i believe, 

This feeling it craves, 

The never ending battle, 

It’s unthinkable lust. 

Oh, how I miss it, 

Sensation of burning, 

Never endingly filling, 

Our empty hopes. 

Sweet, isn’t it?  

The expectation of company, 

The need for others, 

And the loneliness. 

Like the sleep, 

That overpowers you, 

Ever so satisfying, 

Singing in your ear. 

Oh, how I miss it, 

The mirror of memories, 

That painful smile, 

And the last drop of the eye. 

5-May - Closing Speech

Anxiety of what's to come kept me up all night. Come morning, i forced myself to eat something despite feeling extremely nauseous. Charged my earphones, took a shower and then i started to get dressed. I thought that doing things would distract me a bit and reduce my anxiety but distractions only brought unwanted memories of good and safe times. A moment in the kitchen, cooking. A moment in bed, making love. A moment outside, holding hands. The songs i had on loop accompanied me through all the moments of pain. I was ready. Took my phone, wallet, keys, pack of cigarettes, a lighter and my earphones. Kissed my cats goodbye, smiled and said "i'll see you tonight." Got out of my apartment and started walking. Took my phone out and played one of the songs i've been keeping on loop. I wished it were night time so i could look up at the moon. I could no longer wish for the stars. Walking did make me feel a bit better of course. I had to be there at 10am. It was 8:43 and the road would only take me half an hour. I regretted heading out early. Could've spent more time with my cats. Could've had another cup of coffee. Could've remembered more even if it all hurt. I thought about going back but i was afraid that i wouldn't head back out. So i kept walking. I came across many more memories before i reached the subway station. Took the escalator down and walked the exceedingly long hallway. Got through the subway gates and got on the train. I sat down with my head too heavy to carry. I stared at the floor for twenty minutes with the thought of a simple night walk. Even the soulless voice of the PA was anxious when it announced my stop. I slowly got up out of my seat and walked towards the train doors. It came to a stop and i got out. I stood there for a second, feeling lost, feeling afraid, unable to find a way out of everything that came to be. In the midst of a storm i managed to find my courage again and started walking towards the exit. I got out of the station, reached for the pack of smokes in my pocket and lit one. Took a breath and a most dreaded song started to play. Two minutes in, i started walking towards the entrance. After a couple of seconds, finally i looked up. I saw a colossal building between the cold metal bars of the fence. Looked higher and saw the words "Hall of Justice" inscribed at the very top. A fitting song for an unfateful end. "So be it."

23-June

Unrelenting duality of men is a crimson line. One cannot be expected to constantly soar above the line and keep a steady head. Its duality might be but its reality is not simple. Each day is a well-hidden lie, hiding in plain sight for all to see yet none ever do. It's not about whether it is a good thing or not. Its existence is what causes the earth to shake. The very being of a lie, slowly chipping away at one's soul. Piece by piece, day by day. Most of us won't even notice it until the soul is just a glimpse of what it used to be. Sure, we love but only in thought. We feel sad, only in thought. A simple flick of a switch and all is well again. A vicious cycle of disruption and attempted resolutions. This anger, this hatred is as real as the fading concern in the veins. Anger, hatred, disgust, violence, none of them are here to stay. It is nothing but a cycle of good and bad feelings trying to fill the carved out insides of a dead whale. Every now and then one of them lasts longer than the others. Be it love, sadness or anger. Does it really matter what it is as long as there is something there? Some did imagine the final sound as a gun but what good is death if none are there to accompany it?  

Silent guardians of eternal peace are never alone in this heavenly planet we call home. Be there more like us spread out amongst the stars or be it that existence is a thing only we will get to experience, makes this challenging being worth sharing and simply enjoying. These feelings that weigh us down keep us from looking up and bathing in the beam of existence. However, existence itself is just a question without said feelings. We need to consider ourselves extraordinarily lucky. Here we are, atop a glistening rock, talking with each other, loving each other, killing each other and witnessing each other's existence. We are alive. Despite it having its challenges we do need to stop living every once in a while and simply, exist.

Whether or not it was real means jack-shit. It meant something, for some time. You were there, you witnessed those things. You were not an omnipotent being that was just watching everything happen. You were a part of it. You understand it though, there's no doubt about it. You don't regret things because every possible regret has taught you how and what things should be like. Shoulds and musts are not very applicable though. After all, it only takes one song to bring you to your knees. Fight, give up, it doesn't matter. Just, whatever you do, don't lie to yourself. For all things good and bad, it always makes you look up.

24-June

I love these colors. Fading yellow of May, merging into the bright orange of the summer months. A gush of wind on its back, all the sorrow and the melancholy of burning leaves come drifting with it. What's not to like? What's not to enjoy? Not happy or blissful, just the serene sounds of the world engulfing every thought in its path. 

Kırgın değilim sana, bir kendime,
Gerçekler ise tehditkar ve gürültülü,
Bir sürgündeyim, özlemekten korkma,
Yokum o kapının ardında uzun zamandır.

İzlerinin takip edemeyeceği yerler,
Adımlarımı çağırıyor gülümsemeyle,
Kovalamıyorum artık çığlıklarla kurulan,
Peşini bırakamadığım imkansızlıklarımızı.

Rüzgarsız topraklarda bir salıncakta,
Sakince yaklaşan aydınlığın heyecanı,
Melodilerde dolaşan ağır nefesim ve,
Parıldayan gözlerim ile bekliyorum.

25-June

Such a brief moment under the sun,
A dream that came true and a song,
That still remained unsung,
Blissful yet such a brief one.

I see it clearly now, no matter what,
Beg and plead all you want,
You cannot be the reason why,
The sun shone on our days.

Settle down, this won't last long,
Live on forever, behind closed doors,
Hear your name echoing blindly,
Shattering on your tender walls.

Now what? Sentences after sentences, dreams after dreams and spirit breaking nightmares. All done. Now what? Is it time to carry on? So soon? War is upon us and we cannot fight it like this. It's time we gather our thoughts, form our ideas and hit them before they even dream of us.

26-June

Heed the songs you're keeping on a loop. Two, three, maybe even four specific songs. They change over time of course. It goes on for weeks, months or an entire year maybe. Always set with a state of mind. Sometimes you're just heeding the truth in the lyrics, other times you're escaping the stasis and being born anew. Every little bit of it means something, you know? Each lesson learned, each mistake made and a possible future given up. If we take into consideration of a revered philosophers' point of view and consider time as a closed loop, destiny is possible. Now don't be quick to think that this causes it to lose all meaning because it does not. You being aware of the loop does not mean you are knowledgeable in context. Let's say that time is indeed a closed loop and every single action, every thought and every desire is decided beforehand. Be it good or bad, you are doing exactly what you are meant to do. This might be the second or the hundreth time you're going through it but you live each one as if it were the first time. Which, in its essence, makes it unique, makes it meaningful. This is, of course, if the closed loop exists. If not, there is no calculable outcome to any of this. Billions of variables rushing through your eyes each day and one single misstep could cause all of this to end ever so suddenly. I guess it is the terror of imminent doom that makes it all mean anything. Then again, maybe the existence of all this isn't affecting anything and none of it means anything. I'd hate to call myself an optimist but i'd like to believe that it means something, you know?

11-July - The Sparrow

To truly be able to listen to good songs is a blessing in itself. Oh, how i missed this feeling. A moment of peace amidst the chaos that is my being. Couple of beers on a balcony, a thunderstorm outside and these songs to accompany me. This mind at temporary peace was much needed. As i sat there on the balcony, enjoying the lightning show close by, a sparrow landed on the railing. The conversation came to a stop as the bird spoke up and greeted us. After a shared nod, i took a sip of my beer and kept on listening. Listening to the songs that took my soul dancing with the little drops of rain. Listening to the revelling words of pain shared in confidence. What a burden it must be for the sparrow to carry the drops of rain on its wings. Does it weigh you down, does it tire you to carry such an excellent weight in these darkened days? How is it that you trust the flap of your wings to make it through the day? No sun to lead the way, no stars to guide towards redemption. What other choice is there than to perch on a railing and wait out the storm? These black and white days of ours makes these railings we hold dear, ready to crumble. Then again, that is how we've known life. So? So be it.

18-July - War

 Is it lust? Is it love? Cannot feel it when i am high.

By all means, it is confusing. On one side of the coin, you've already achieved your peace. Signed agreements and everything. On the other side of the coin, you have the heart's desire. A desire for chaos, for lust. A desire for animalistic instincts. Part of you wishes for it. There's no denying what is already there. Part of you wants the chaos, the heartbreak and the death. Then again, your senses take the wheel and simply explain things. Not a simple shift. A choice, difficult to make. There doesn't need to be a choice. No need to force anything. It has been months of peace and prosperity. Chain your lust and let things be as it is. It took so much effort to broker this peace and you have a part of you that wants it gone? No. Bury that painful hunger within you. That feeling inside is not worth breaking of the orderly lives of the people born into this peace. No need for such a confusion. If it closure you seek, you have it. Make do.

23-August - My Name

I've had many names. Some still linger. One, uttered by a brother, another by a long-gone lover. One rolls off the tongues of strangers, another by the ones who converse. Yet I find myself in none of them. How is it that something that dictates my existence always carry the weight of the wind that passes by? Both, feels temporary. As if I am yet to be born. As if I am yet to be named. How is it that life feels non-existent?

I find myself wishing for time to come to a halt so that I can take a breath, gather my thoughts and feel something, anything. Time is not what it used to be. It used to be that time would accompany me while I took long walks under the dim street lights of the city. Time would fuse into my music and deafen the loud voice of the subway. Time would watch me lay on the grass, surrounded by friends. Time would never utter a word while I stood on the railings of the bridge, wanting to jump. It seemed like time was always by my side. Now, it feels as though, like all the friends and long-gone lovers that surrounded me with smiles, time too is gone.

Maybe this is just a boring chapter in my story. Although, these days, i question if the entire story is boring. Sometimes I look into the eyes and the lives of people and I find glimpses of my past. I miss how things were, yet I know that each one of those memories are gone for good.

14-September - Pieces

A feeling, a piece of my mind.

I see no further into my mind than the sharks circling the shawllows. I remember who I am. I remember who I was. Maybe it's still the same and it's just the feel of it that's different. I can either say 'yes', accept it and move on or I can dig deeper into it, looking for a proof, yearning for a closure but to only end up in a bottomless pit, questioning the very existence of such a truth endlessly. It always comes down to Hamlet's opening line. "To be or not to be." For the most part, I managed to choose to be but for some it always felt right to lean towards not to be. Somehow, that self-destructive path always had hidden its insecurities behind false pleasures. Pleasures so ecstatic that refusing its call seems almost impossible. So yeah, succumbing to its beckoning call was and still is my own undoing. Even now, at this very moment, bending the knee seems a necessity in order to utter these very words. For in words, I unravel my mind. In words, I relive the sorrow.

TBC.