Missing

I dreamt of you last night. Woke me up from my sleep.

I'm missing. That's all I find myself able to say. It's been so long that I'm not sure what it is that I miss anymore.

I miss the way you looked at me.
I miss seeing you smile.
I miss hearing your voice.
I miss the sense of your skin on mine.
I miss moving the couch closer to the TV.
I miss that you always wanted to fall asleep before I did.
I miss being a safe place for you.

I'm not sure if it's you that I miss or my feelings for you. Either way, missing you has been pointless for a long time now. Most days I can't even remember your face. Even now, at the height of my nostalgia, I cannot remember what your voice sounded like.

I miss the recent things as well.

I miss the fact that you fell asleep on the couch while I wrote.
I miss the dim mood of your home.
The cold of the back balcony, pure dark of the hallway.
I miss the days we had.

Missing something that's gone feels pointless. Even if it was recent. Yet I still do. I'm glad that I managed to live through this life, having things to miss. 

The reflection in the mirror tires me these days. There is a sense of life that gathers in my thoughts then it gets wrapped by all the mistakes. I find myself staring into the mirror, hopelessly watching it corrupt. Some days it wins, some days it can't even fight back. Anything that really means something to me tends to end up being a battle that keeps being fought, long after everyone is dead.

Yorumlar

Yorum Gönder

Bu blogdaki popüler yayınlar

Twenty Eight

 I don't know how to talk to people anymore. Used to be that I could spend hours, explaining the inner torments of my mind, being excited for things, wanting things, having hope. Now it feels like it's been a cold winter for the past few years. I keep telling myself that this is what I want, that this is okay but I can't even feel like I'm living anymore. I bury my desires, my fears, my regrets and my hopes so deep down that even I don't know they're there sometimes. I had expected things to change a little bit for the better after I moved but now I find myself getting worse and worse. This decade has shown me many things about myself that I cannot seem to shake off. Ideas of myself, my belief in myself. I find that each day I vividly see and acknowledge the things that are wrong with me and still find myself unable to do anything about it. Life is suddenly extremely boring and there are no exciting days. Sometimes I truly believe that maybe it's me that...
Devamı

My Side

 I didn't know how to let go. Eventually I was forced into it. In days where I could barely feel myself, I felt her slowly slipping away. It's not like I did something bad or she did, things sometimes just fall apart. Looking back on it, I can say that we just fell apart, though I did not want to. I didn't have the courage to end things. I could feel it in my bones that no matter what I didn't want to spend a day without her. I'm not into the ifs and maybes of things anymore. What has happened has happened. I just know how I felt during those times. I knew we were slipping away from each other and I knew neither of us knew what to do. I found myself clinging to nothing when she was no longer there for me to hold onto. I could see the walls of my house growing bland. Losing color and life as each day passed. I didn't think of it then but I can see it now that when she left, I didn't just lose a lover. I lost the colors of my life. The chirping of the birds. F...
Devamı

Kışın Fısıltıları

 Kapım çalınacakmış gibi hissediyorum kaç gündür. Yerimden kalkıp uzun bir koridoru geçeceğim. Renkleriyle hep olması gereken yerdeymiş gibi hissettiren halının üzerinden atacağım adımlarımı. Belki kediler de gelecek peşimden. Uzanıp kapıyı açacağım. Kafasını yana eğmiş, bir elinde market poşeti, yüzünde kocaman bir gülümseme. "Selam" diyor bana sanki zamanın geriye aktığını fark etmemiş gibi. Bir elimle uzanıp elindeki poşeti alıyorum, diğer elimle belinden tutup sıkıca çekiyorum kendime. Kurguyu bozmaktan kaçınmasa "ne o sanki yıllardır görüşmüyoruz" diyecek. Önümden ilerleyerek girecek içeri. İçimdeki gülümsemeyle kapatacağım kapıyı. Miyavlamaların arasında o gece sesiyle yatıştıracak hepimizin ruhunu. Her geçen saniye duvarlar biraz daha üzerimize kapanmıyormuş gibi devam edecek adımlarım. Mutfağa girip poşettekileri yerleştireceğim. İlgisini kedilerden ayırabildiğinde gününün nasıl geçtiğini anlatmaya başlayacak bana. Ne de olsa onun için alışık bir durum. Haft...
Devamı