The Point

 Uhmm, so, what's the point exactly? Actively compromising your days to gain nearly nothing. Well, the self-destructive behaviour, especially on situations like this, has been around a lot longer than some songs have ricocheted in these rooms. Sometimes, the simplicity of a day that serves no purpose, achieves no improvements but also passively protects you from sounding like a dive-bomber is underrated a lot. But then again, that's the young spirit of things, isn't it? You've been thinking about doing something, being someone for as long as you can remember but it's been years and you've just been rumbling around in reality, being tossed around from one room to another, from one relationship to another, from one city to another. Every single time, things start feeling like change is in the air but soon after you realize that it was the static electricity in the air of an oncoming storm that would take you far, far deeper than you'd like to admit. And? What's the point? Well, I guess my point is that disappointment is one of the constants of life. Big or small, it really doesn't matter. The shopkeep flirting a with a man far below her standards is a disappointment. Me, not being able to cook anything decent is a disappointment.

I shouldn't be doing anything other than sleeping right now. So why am I here? Why am I listening to songs that I've been avoiding for far too long? I definitely don't mind it though. It's friday tomorrow, I can get by a work day without sleeping. Also, I believe that being able to listen to songs that I can actually feel is a luxury that I cannot let go by. Be it a sad melody that drags me down with it, or a set of eyes that constantly excites me, as long as there is something, anything to feel, it's worth it. Being completely alone, at 4 am in the morning and letting my mind resonate with the music. I can see my thoughts twirling inside my mind. My only regret is that I can't do this during the day. I cannot feel during the day anymore. In order to be able to feel the music, let my mind wander, put a small grin on my face, I need to be sleepy, drowsy, reckless and feeling a little serene. Kind of an hard combination to put together willingly. It is exceedingly curious how I felt like this all the time when I was living in "those years" y'know. 

To be perfectly honest, I have no intention of making a point out of any of this. I'm just happy that I'm letting my thoughts, my feelings find a voice again. I built gigantic walls to protect myself from an unnecessary heartbreak, only to realize "fuck. I cannot climb that high." Also, I just put that together now, so yaay, bit of a revelation for me. See, this is why I like nights like this. This is why I write. Writing, makes sense of things. It makes sense of my things, for me. It's in times like these that I can truly see my darkness shining.

Oh shit, the waves are upside down..

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